Monday, December 22, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I finish my BCPs next week and begin Estrace. Anybody taken that before? Any funky side effects? Then I have one ultrasound, begin progesterone, then the transfer on January 16th. The good news is that I don't have to do PIO shots! Woohoo! It's all suppositories. Messy, but I'll take them over IM shots any day!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Mr. C. and I just got back from Massachusetts. We go every year for the Christmas party of one of his clients on Cape Cod. We decided to spend some time in Boston this year, which we've never done before. I LOVE BOSTON! We stayed at an amazing place called the Liberty Hotel (http://www.libertyhotel.com/). It's a jail that has been converted into an amazing hotel. Check out the link...it's so cool! We ate wonderful food and saw as much of the city as possible in the short time we were there. Here are some photos of our trip:
Beside some of the old "cells" inside the hotel.
The Christmas tree at Faneuil Hall.
The Red Room restaurant at Harvard Square
Overlooking the lobby at our hotel
Sunday, December 7, 2008
PS...He's tiny! I'm 5'1" tall, and you can see that he's only got an inch or so on me!
Friday, December 5, 2008
My main questions for him were about my chemical pregnancy and my miscarriage and why they happened. I said I was interested in more tests, although I knew Mr. C. wasn't as excited about more testing since we've done so much already. The RE said he's all about compromise and would give me the moderate RPL panel of tests and not the whole panel. He'll be testing for the more common, treatable problems that could give us an answer. I had my blood drawn this morning and we should get the results in the next 2-3 weeks.
After he spoke to us about our frozen embryos and how the FET process works, we decided to just go ahead and do it! I don't have to wait for my next AF or anything, he said to start the BCPs yesterday, take them for 3 weeks, then take estrogen and progesterone for around 3 weeks, then have the transfer! Mr. C. and I did not go in expecting to start this process that very day, but we talked about it and are both ready to get this party started! I'm nervous, but excited. We are not telling ANYONE in real life, so only you blog friends get to know our secret!
BTW, we have 2 frozen embies - one 4AA and one 4AB...great quality! If both survive the freeze, he gives us a 40% chance of pregnancy. Not great, but we'll take it!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thanks to Kahla over at http://outofbedforthis.blogspot.com/ for this sweet award! She has suffered a difficult loss recently but still manages to think about and check on her blog friends in the midst of her own heartache. I will attempt to complete the one-word meme that accompanies the award:
1. Where is your cell phone? pocketbook
2. Where is your significant other? home
3. Your hair color? highlighted
4. Your mother? friend
5. Your father? storyteller
6. Your favorite thing? shopping
7. Your dream last night? sad
8. Your dream/goal? baby
9. The room you’re in? office
10. Your hobby? acting
11. Your fear? lonliness
12. Where do you want to be in six years? mother
13. Where were you last night? bed
14. What you’re not? pretentious
15. One of your wish list items? baby
16. Where you grew up? Boone
17. The last thing you did? shower
18. What are you wearing? jeans
19. Your T.V.? off
20. Your pet? spoiled
21. Your computer? lifeline
22. Your mood? blah
23. Missing someone? daily
24. Your car? Volvo
25. Something you’re not wearing? socks
26. Favorite store? Loft
27. Your summer? hot
28. Love someone? always
29. Your favorite color? yellow
30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? yesterday
I'd like to pass this award on to two other wonderful blog friends who have has recent losses of their own and who have given me such comfort and friendship even though we've never met!
Chelle at http://nutchell.blogspot.com/ and
Happy Thanksgiving - I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Mr. C. and I LOVE Project R.way. Last night we were so sad to see Jerrell go and Kenley make it into the top 3. Although I must admit, I adored Kenley's bridesmaid dress. They are all very talented designers... I just feel like Kenley's attitude is no good. I predict LeeAnn to be the winnner. Tim Gunn was so precious last night when he came into the work room and started crying, saying how much he cared about each of the designers. He is such a sweetie! Can't WAIT to see what happens next week!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
On Saturday, we went to see Michael Buble in concert. He is quite an entertainer! He performed in a large collesium and it was packed! His songs and voice remind me of a modern Frank Sinatra. On the way to the concert, we stopped by the Homecoming celebration at my college. It was fun to walk around campus and see all the changes and the things that will never change. I went to a small liberal arts school that I absolutely LOVED.
We also went to a special Mass this weekend. We aren't Catholic, but I have several friends that are, and one of them sent me an email about this service. It was for the remembrance of lost children. People who had lost a child through miscarriage, complications of pregnancy, stillbirth, etc. were invited to attend. It was a beautiful service with amazing music and touching words. About 10 minutes into the service, we got a text from our friends saying they had just had a baby boy. Wow, I lost it at that point and I cried and cried. Happy for them, sad for us.
Yesterday I woke up feeling awful. Sore throat, headache, body aches, etc. Yuck. I'm feeling better today, though. This reminds me that I need to go get a flu shot asap! Going to go back to sleep now...
Monday, September 29, 2008
In other news, my last pregnancy test came out negative!!!!! After 5 weeks, the HCG has finally gone away. I never thought I would be so happy to see one line on a test! Now I can enjoy feeling normal again. (Physically, at least.)
Saturday we went to our friends' house for dinner. She is 39 weeks pregnant and we haven't seen them since she's been pregnant. (They were the ones I found out about the same day I lost the first pregnancy.) Anyway, I was terrified of seeing them...but we had a great time! I am so happy for them, but it's difficult because of those m/c memories and because they got pregnant on their first month off birth control. I sucked it up and tried to put my own jealousy and pain behind me. I was proud of myself!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
How many times can I break till I shatter?
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking.
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting.
Sounds like infertility to me! I've been watching the infertility specials on the Today Show this week. Interesting. They also have a cool page on their website of photos/stories of people who have struggled to get pregnant.
We saw a good movie last weekend that deals a lot with IF. It's called Then She Found Me. I had no idea when I rented it...I got it because of the actors - dreamboat Collin Firth (one of my favorite actors ever), funny lady Bette Middler, and the aging Helen Hunt. I think it does a good job of portraying some of the feelings regarding IF, adoption, and IUI (which the main character does one round of). Check it out!
P.S. - How do you like my new background?!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
I cry every day...not necessarily because of the lost pregnancy, but maybe because I feel a bit lost myself. I've been SO focused on getting pregnant for the last 40 months and now I have absolutely no interest in getting pregnant whatsoever. I'm sure I will again, but for right now, it's the last thing I want to think about. I don't want to think about doctor appointments, IVF, bad news, or my screwed up body. We've got 2 embryos in the freezer, but it's going to be a LONG time before they're thawed out. Maybe next year some time.
I feel like I've been in some kind of void for the past 3+ years and now I'll never get that time back. I guess I've learned that I can't let life pass me by while I'm waiting for something that has no guarantees. I can NOT let IF rule my life. I'm trying to live now like IF isn't an issue. We're planning trips and house renovations on our time, not based on doctor appointments, shots, and ultrasounds. I'm loving the fact that I get my body back for awhile. No diet restrictions, needles, drugs, or poking and prodding.
Unfortunately my body is still weirded out because I've still got a good bit of hcg in my system. In addition, I have a very strange pain on and off that feels like someone is stabbing me in the chest through to my back. After a 5 hour trip to the ER on Sunday that included bloodwork, and EKG, chest xrays, and a CT scan, we know it's not my heart or a pulmonary embolism. I'm going to the OB for my post surgery appointment today and I'm hoping he can help me get to the bottom of this pain. It dibilitating and very scary.
Sorry that my first post in awhile is such a downer. I am okay, though, and I'll get through this. There are lots of things I am grateful for and I still have hope. It's nice to have you virtual friends for support and understanding.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
I guess I am still in shock. I am not crying as much or nearly as upset as I was after our 1st IVF. I am just very, very bitter. I don't want to try again for a long time. I'm not giving up, but I need a break. Mentally and physically. I need to step away from all this crap and feel like a normal person for a little while. We'll use our frozen embryos eventually, but definitely not in 2008. Again, thank you to all of you for your kind words and support. It means so much to me and really gives me strength.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Saturday, August 9, 2008
I found this super cute maternity t-shirt today at our neighborhood shops' sidewalk sale. It's a fortune cookie shirt that was 75% off so I got it for $6.99! I'll be able to wear it when I am showing and obviously pregnant. I think it's so fun! :)
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
6 weeks today! I've really been bloated the last few days...like unbuttoning the pants bloated. A friend of ours came over tonight and said that I definitely look pregnant! I haven't developed any new symptoms and luckily the morning sickness hasn't hit yet (thank you, Lord!). Maybe I'll be one of the lucky 20% that doesn't get it!
Next week is our ultrasound and I can't wait! I think once we actually see the baby and the heartbeat, I'll finally believe it's real. Right now, it's hard to believe that there is actually something growing inside me. I can't wait until I can feel the baby kicking and know that everything is okay. I know I have a long way to go until then and I'm trying to be relaxed and have faith that everything is going the way it's supposed to inside me.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Here's how it works:
1) Look at the list and bold/italicize those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline (or mark in a different color) the books you LOVE - mine are in red.
The premise of this exercise is that the National Endowment for the Arts apparently believes that the average American has only read 6 books from the list below.
1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible (I've read parts...does that count?)
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller - (I DESPISE this book!)
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens -- Another all-time fave. Sydney Carton is my hero.
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert (I wrote my AP English essay on this!)
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
Yesterday I had an ultrasound but it was too soon to see anything. I had a bit of a scare because I started having bad chest and upper back pains yesterday morning. I couldn't tell if it was my chest hurting and radiating to my back or vice versa. Anyway, I called the RE because
chest pain = scary in my book. She wanted me to come in right away to see if I had any fluid or bleeding in my abdomen or lungs. She did an ultrasound to make sure everything was clear, which it was. She focused on my ovaries and basically just breezed past my uterus and said it's way too soon to see anything. I knew it was too soon, but I was still hoping she'd check it out and we could see a black hole or little dot or something. Oh, well.
So we never did figure out what was causing the chest pains...she said it could be a million things. Since it is gone today and I feel fine, I'm assuming it was not pregnancy/gynologicallly related and was either serious indigestion or something. I'm still gratefully for every day I wake up pregnant!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Um, okay. I know I look about 3 months pregnant already in these photos. Mr. C. kept asking me if I was pushing my stomach out. Sadly enough, I was sucking it in. I really don't look this "round" in real life. The camera adds 10 lbs. they say. That's gonna be my excuse.
I went to acupuncture today for the first time since my ET. It was exciting to tell my acupuncturist (or "Hole Puncher" as Mr. C. calls him) about my pregnancy. I thanked him for helping me get this way! I guess it's a little weird that several men helped me get pregnant. Only us IF girls can claim that! I will continue going once a week during the first trimester. He uses points that help increase blood flow and retain the pregnancy.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
-completely, totally, mind-bogglingly exhausted (came home from work at lunch and just got up)
-a little crampy on and off
-bbs sensitive with funky bumps around nipples
-Mr. C says, "You look different....fuller." Hmmmm.
-last night we went out to eat Italian and I felt icky/nauseous all night
So, all these could be something, or they could be the progesterone. They keep getting progressively more intense, though, so I think that is good. Hopefully by lunchtime tomorrow I'll have news to share. Thank you so much to all of you for all your well wishes. It means so much to me!
Monday, July 21, 2008
Here's what happened during our last IVF cycle. Two days before my beta, I poas and it was positive - we were surprised and ecstatic! Same for the day before the beta. Then that night, I started spotting. I freaked out and cried and cried, but the nurse said not to worry...spotting was normal! My beta came back at 21. Pretty low, but the nurse said that there was hope, we just needed it to double in 2 days. So I go back 2 days later and it doubled exactly - 42! We we over the moon, we cried, we called my parents, I bought a pregnancy book. During all this, I was still spotting, but the nurse still said that it was fine, totally normal, etc., unless it turned red or was an AF-like flow. My 2nd beta was on a Thursday, and since it doubled, they didn't want to do another one until the following Tuesday. So...fast forward to Monday. The spotting turned bright red. The spotting became an AF-like flow. I called and demanded a beta a day early. It was 20. It was over. I got home where I immediately found out upon walking in the door that our good friends, the couple who didn't want to have children for 5 more years, had emailed to say they were 14 weeks pregnant. It was one of the worst days of my life. As much as I'd like to forget it, that day will haunt me, probably for the rest of my life.
After that amazing rollercoaster that lifted and dropped us to and from amazing heights, I do not ever want to repeat it. On Wednesday, I want a positive or negative. If the number is 50 or above, I'll breathe a sigh of relief. If it's over 100, I'll be ecstatic! Of course, then we have to worry about it doubling. But, I have hung my hopes on the number we'll get Wednesday. I've imagined a hundred times what that phone call will be like. I've prayed over and over every day that Wednesday will be a good day. Please, please, let it be.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
I'm feeling crampy off and on (I'll take that as a good sign!) and my bb's are a little sore. Mainly I'm just SO tired! Mr. C is like, "How can you be tired after sitting around and napping all day?" But I am! I'm taking 3 P.rometrium suppositories each day and tomorrow will start 2 estrogen patches every other day. Will keep you posted on any other happenings!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
So then Mr. C and I got into our biohazard-looking outfits and went into the transfer room. The acupuncturist came in and put in all the needles and I listened to my i.Pod for 20 minutes. I kept crying, just thinking about how far we've come and how sure I am that this time is going to work. In my head, I was thanking God, thanking my body, thanking the scientists, Mr. C.; everyone. Then the team came in to do the actual transfer. One day I'll be telling my child(ren), "There were 7 people in the room when I got pregnant with you!" It was fast and painless. Then the acupuncturist came back in and we did 20 more minutes of acupuncture. She said that mine was the easiest, smoothest transfer she'd ever seen. Wow! Then it was time to go! I slept for most of the 2 hour ride back home.
So we've got 4 more embryos at morula stage. If they reach blastocyst stage by tomorrow then they will get frozen. The embryologist will call tomorrow or Wednesday to let us know. I'd love it if even one makes it that far!
So, now I'm up in our room, propped up in bed, feeling good, hopeful, emotional, and tired! It's been a great day and I'm so thankful that everything went so well today.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
I will find out tomorrow at 7am if the transfer will be tomorrow or Monday. I'm hoping for Monday, if nothing else but to give me a couple more days to heal.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Last time, we also had 9 on the first day after retrieval but only had 3 by day 3. Let's hope all 9 of these little embabies keep on going! We'd LOVE to have some to freeze. That would be our dream! Grow, embies, grow!!!
By the way, I'm feeling good so far and just having the normal post-retrieval discomfort. I don't want to jinx anything, but YAY!
Also, do I have a wonderful husband, or what? His comment on my post yesterday was amazing. It made me cry. He's a good nurse and keeps the G.atorade coming! I love you, Mr. C!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Oops, I forgot to mention a little detail...MY LINING IS AT 9.4 ALREADY!!!! YIPEE!
Friday, July 4, 2008
IVF Update: I went for a monitoring visit this morning and my coordinator just called. The best news is that my lining is at 8.6!!!!! This excites me b/c last IVF, my lining was 8.9 on the day of the transfer. I'm about a week out from my transfer so I know it will only get thicker! (I have extremely light AFs, so I've always worried that my lining isn't thick enough.) My RE said that 8.9 was a fine level last time, but I've read that some clinics won't even transfer if your lining is less than 9. So, woo hoo! My estrogen is 1149, which is a big increase from a couple days ago when it was 179. I actually have to lessen my F.ollistim dose tonight. I have about 15 follies that are large and several smaller ones that may or may not catch up. I go back on Sunday and hopefully they'll tell me to trigger on Monday. Yay!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
The terraced gardens at the plantation:
Views around the plantation:
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
June 26 - Suppression check. All is sufficiently suppressed (whatever that means). 9 follies on each side. (Which is coincidentally exactly where I started last IVF and we ended up with 21 eggs, of which 17 fertilized and only 3 embryos were viable by day 3....we're hoping for better quality this time.)
June 28 - Started 250 IUs of F.ollistim. Started 10 IUs of HcG. Started a killer headache. Continuing 10 IUs of Lupron daily.
July 1 - First bloodwork while on stimms....E2 at 179. The nurse said this was "perfect"! Continuing on with meds at same levels. Back for bloodwork/ultrasound on July 4.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
I also went this morning for my suppression check bloodwork and ultrasound. Everything looks quiet and good and I'm ready to start stimming. Yay! The nurse asked how I was feeling about this cycle and if it was easier having been through it before and knowing what to expect this time. I feel very hopefully about this time, but going through it before doesn't neccessarily make it better. It makes it worse in many ways. It's nice to know what to expect as far as the shots and monitoring go, but it's scary to know about how bad my body will feel at times, that I might get O.HSS again, how terrifying the emotions can get, etc. I guess I just can't focus on the scary parts. I know that I have done this before and I did get through it. I faced a worst-case scenario and I lived to tell the tale. This time can only be better, right? (PLEASE say right!!!)
I'm excited and hopefully and ready to get this party started!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
9. You will look like a druggie with all the bruises and pokes you will aquire (on your upper arms, crook of your arms, stomach, etc.)!
8. You actually get used to daily visits with the dildocam.
7. You really CAN give yourself multiple shots without fainting.
6. OHSS is real and it's uncool.
5. The 2ww must be what hell is actually like.
4. A positive beta must be what heaven is actually like.
3. You can love something that only consists of 8 cells.
2. You are a stronger person that you thought you were.
1. Hope is NOT a 4 letter word.
Monday, June 16, 2008
I'm proud of myself. I'm so happy I did this for my friend. I'm so glad she's my friend. Yay!
Holding a friend's baby...
The bookmark favors and advice book I made:
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Even though I know it's not the same, seeing the attention he gives them and the way he spoils them but yet expects great behavior, makes me know that he will be a great dad. We in no way compare our dogs to children but seeing how he takes care of something that relies totally on him and loves him unconditionally is a good litmus test for fatherhood, I think. Now, as long as he doesn't whistle to call our child....!
More photos of my pups:
Friday, June 6, 2008
Thursday, June 5, 2008
The lighthouse on Hunting Island
Looking up at all the stairs we had to climb to get to the top of the lighthouse!