Monday, September 29, 2008

Our Sunroom

Last week we had our sunroom painted. All that is white used to be stained wood. It was quite a project and took four coats of paint! This weekend we were able to move all our furniture back and settle in. Mr. C. and I painted our cute little end tables, the white coffee table at the end of the room, and the white chair beside it. We also painted the blades of our ceiling fan white (they were dark brown) and it turned out so well! The room now has a beachy, cottagey feel.

In other news, my last pregnancy test came out negative!!!!! After 5 weeks, the HCG has finally gone away. I never thought I would be so happy to see one line on a test! Now I can enjoy feeling normal again. (Physically, at least.)

Saturday we went to our friends' house for dinner. She is 39 weeks pregnant and we haven't seen them since she's been pregnant. (They were the ones I found out about the same day I lost the first pregnancy.) Anyway, I was terrified of seeing them...but we had a great time! I am so happy for them, but it's difficult because of those m/c memories and because they got pregnant on their first month off birth control. I sucked it up and tried to put my own jealousy and pain behind me. I was proud of myself!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

It Was A Boy

We got our D&C results back today. It was a chromosomally normal little boy. I don't know why we lost him.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

2 Pink Lines

Okay, for all the many, many months that all I wanted to see were two pink lines after POAS, now I just want to see one!!!!!! I am STILL getting a positive on HPTs. My OB told me to take one once a week until I got a negative. Yesterday marked 4 weeks since my D&C and I still have HCG in my system. The lines are getting a bit lighter, so that is good. The dr. said it can take up to 4 weeks to disapate, so I will call him Monday to see if I need another beta to find out the actual number. It really stinks to not be pregnant but to still have all the symptoms thanks to HCG. I can't WAIT for it to be gone!!!!!

Friday, September 19, 2008

"Shattered" by Of A Revolution

This song is being played constantly on all the radio stations around here (probably because O.A.R. has 2 concerts nearby this weekend) and I am loving it. These lyrics really speak to me:

How many times can I break till I shatter?
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking.
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting.

Sounds like infertility to me! I've been watching the infertility specials on the Today Show this week. Interesting. They also have a cool page on their website of photos/stories of people who have struggled to get pregnant.

We saw a good movie last weekend that deals a lot with IF. It's called Then She Found Me. I had no idea when I rented it...I got it because of the actors - dreamboat Collin Firth (one of my favorite actors ever), funny lady Bette Middler, and the aging Helen Hunt. I think it does a good job of portraying some of the feelings regarding IF, adoption, and IUI (which the main character does one round of). Check it out!

P.S. - How do you like my new background?!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The Yellow Room - Empty No More!

Since it is WAY too depressing to see our yellow room sitting empty, we've decided to make it into a guest room! We are in love with Maine Cottage ( and would outfit our whole house in their furniture if we could. Anyway, we are going to outfit the yellow room with their gorgeous designs. Here are some of the things we've bought. (The bed and bureau will be white, but I'm showing them in yellow because it's easier to see.) Our shipment won't be here until the end of October or beginning of November, but we can't wait!

Cow Picnic

After my surgery, Mr. C and I went to the mountains of WV where my parents have a summer house. It's a wonderfully relaxing and beautiful place. One night we went for a picnic and had an unexpected visitor. Here we are with my mom, toasting our new friend!

I'm Alive

I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. I just haven't had anything to say. I appreciate all your kind comments so much. Those virtual hugs have been great! I'm probably not in the best state of mind right now, but I am trying to take it day by day and do the best I can.

I cry every day...not necessarily because of the lost pregnancy, but maybe because I feel a bit lost myself. I've been SO focused on getting pregnant for the last 40 months and now I have absolutely no interest in getting pregnant whatsoever. I'm sure I will again, but for right now, it's the last thing I want to think about. I don't want to think about doctor appointments, IVF, bad news, or my screwed up body. We've got 2 embryos in the freezer, but it's going to be a LONG time before they're thawed out. Maybe next year some time.

I feel like I've been in some kind of void for the past 3+ years and now I'll never get that time back. I guess I've learned that I can't let life pass me by while I'm waiting for something that has no guarantees. I can NOT let IF rule my life. I'm trying to live now like IF isn't an issue. We're planning trips and house renovations on our time, not based on doctor appointments, shots, and ultrasounds. I'm loving the fact that I get my body back for awhile. No diet restrictions, needles, drugs, or poking and prodding.

Unfortunately my body is still weirded out because I've still got a good bit of hcg in my system. In addition, I have a very strange pain on and off that feels like someone is stabbing me in the chest through to my back. After a 5 hour trip to the ER on Sunday that included bloodwork, and EKG, chest xrays, and a CT scan, we know it's not my heart or a pulmonary embolism. I'm going to the OB for my post surgery appointment today and I'm hoping he can help me get to the bottom of this pain. It dibilitating and very scary.

Sorry that my first post in awhile is such a downer. I am okay, though, and I'll get through this. There are lots of things I am grateful for and I still have hope. It's nice to have you virtual friends for support and understanding.