I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. I just haven't had anything to say. I appreciate all your kind comments so much. Those virtual hugs have been great! I'm probably not in the best state of mind right now, but I am trying to take it day by day and do the best I can.
I cry every day...not necessarily because of the lost pregnancy, but maybe because I feel a bit lost myself. I've been SO focused on getting pregnant for the last 40 months and now I have absolutely no interest in getting pregnant whatsoever. I'm sure I will again, but for right now, it's the last thing I want to think about. I don't want to think about doctor appointments, IVF, bad news, or my screwed up body. We've got 2 embryos in the freezer, but it's going to be a LONG time before they're thawed out. Maybe next year some time.
I feel like I've been in some kind of void for the past 3+ years and now I'll never get that time back. I guess I've learned that I can't let life pass me by while I'm waiting for something that has no guarantees. I can NOT let IF rule my life. I'm trying to live now like IF isn't an issue. We're planning trips and house renovations on our time, not based on doctor appointments, shots, and ultrasounds. I'm loving the fact that I get my body back for awhile. No diet restrictions, needles, drugs, or poking and prodding.
Unfortunately my body is still weirded out because I've still got a good bit of hcg in my system. In addition, I have a very strange pain on and off that feels like someone is stabbing me in the chest through to my back. After a 5 hour trip to the ER on Sunday that included bloodwork, and EKG, chest xrays, and a CT scan, we know it's not my heart or a pulmonary embolism. I'm going to the OB for my post surgery appointment today and I'm hoping he can help me get to the bottom of this pain. It dibilitating and very scary.
Sorry that my first post in awhile is such a downer. I am okay, though, and I'll get through this. There are lots of things I am grateful for and I still have hope. It's nice to have you virtual friends for support and understanding.
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Thoughts on our twisty turny journey to turn our empty yellow room into a nursery.
About Me
- Kelly
- The South, United States
- I'm a 33 year old southern girl who has been TTC since June 2005. After 2 IUIs, 3 miscarriages, and 4 IVFs, we've finally turned our empty yellow room into a nursery.
Our Journey So Far
- May 12, 2010 - Our beautiful daughter is born!
- September 17, 2009 - Saw baby's heartbeat
- August 27, 2009 - 1st Beta...BFP!
- August 18, 2009 - Transferred 2 Grade 4AA blastocysts
- August 13, 2009 - Egg Retrieval (24 Eggs)
- August 1, 2009 - Started stims for IVF #3
- March 8, 2009 - RPL Panel drawn, all normal except Factor V Leiden
- March 2, 2009 - 2nd Beta in at 42; another c/p
- February 27, 2009 - 1st Beta in at 67
- February 18, 2009 - FET - Transferred 2 beautiful blasts
- January 17, 2009 - Started L.upron injections to prepare for next FET cycle
- January 16, 2009 - FET cancelled due to elevated P4
- December 4, 2008 - Started BCPs for FET
- August 22, 2008 - D&C surgery
- August 13, 2008 - 7 week ultrasound; missed miscarriage, Beta 20,000
- July 23, 2008 - 1st Beta...BFP!
- July 14, 2008 - Transferred two grade A blastocysts
- July 9, 2008 - Egg Retrieval (22 eggs)
- June 28, 2008 - Started Follistim and low dose HcG
- June 12, 2008 - Started Lupron
- May 2008 - Preparing for IVF #2
- April 2008 - Miscarriage
- March 2008 - IVF #1 - BFP!
- May 2007 - IUI #2 with injectibles- BFN
- March 2007 - IUI #1with injectibles - BFN
- August 06-January 07 - Began IF testing and made straight A's!
- June 2006 - Houston, we have a problem!
- June 2005 - Threw out the BCPs
"Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, live like there is no tomorrow, dance like no one is watching."
2 comments:
Wow. You deserve a break and have been through so much. I hope the pain is resolved soon.
I am glad you are accepting you need a break. Enjoy the travel planning and normal life as much as you can. I hope your HcG decreases quickly so you physically as well as emotionally will begin to heal.
I'm glad you got to get a way a bit. I love the cow and the fact that you captured that moment!
Hi Kelly! I think about you every day and can totally understand your need for a real break from IF. I know this might sound ungrateful, but after I found out we only had one baby, I felt kind of sad that it wasn't twins, because I am SO scared to do the IVF roller coaster all over again. I know that that is probably the only way I'll ever be pg. I was so hoping to have 2 and be done with ttc forever. If we want more children, I will be back on the IVF roller coaster in the not-too-distant future.
I still identify strongly with that part of my life, and can cry with you when I think of the pain that the last two and a half years consisted of for me. I am so scared to even get happy now, for fear of it being taken away.
There will be better days ahead. It just takes longer for some of us to get there than for others. In the mean time, you and Mr. C sound like you are planning great things- trips, renovations... enjoy life and make every day count. Because when you ARE a mother one day, you will be too busy for that for a while!!
I'll check back on your blog soon!!!!
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