Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I'm Alive

I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. I just haven't had anything to say. I appreciate all your kind comments so much. Those virtual hugs have been great! I'm probably not in the best state of mind right now, but I am trying to take it day by day and do the best I can.

I cry every day...not necessarily because of the lost pregnancy, but maybe because I feel a bit lost myself. I've been SO focused on getting pregnant for the last 40 months and now I have absolutely no interest in getting pregnant whatsoever. I'm sure I will again, but for right now, it's the last thing I want to think about. I don't want to think about doctor appointments, IVF, bad news, or my screwed up body. We've got 2 embryos in the freezer, but it's going to be a LONG time before they're thawed out. Maybe next year some time.

I feel like I've been in some kind of void for the past 3+ years and now I'll never get that time back. I guess I've learned that I can't let life pass me by while I'm waiting for something that has no guarantees. I can NOT let IF rule my life. I'm trying to live now like IF isn't an issue. We're planning trips and house renovations on our time, not based on doctor appointments, shots, and ultrasounds. I'm loving the fact that I get my body back for awhile. No diet restrictions, needles, drugs, or poking and prodding.

Unfortunately my body is still weirded out because I've still got a good bit of hcg in my system. In addition, I have a very strange pain on and off that feels like someone is stabbing me in the chest through to my back. After a 5 hour trip to the ER on Sunday that included bloodwork, and EKG, chest xrays, and a CT scan, we know it's not my heart or a pulmonary embolism. I'm going to the OB for my post surgery appointment today and I'm hoping he can help me get to the bottom of this pain. It dibilitating and very scary.

Sorry that my first post in awhile is such a downer. I am okay, though, and I'll get through this. There are lots of things I am grateful for and I still have hope. It's nice to have you virtual friends for support and understanding.


s.e. said...

Wow. You deserve a break and have been through so much. I hope the pain is resolved soon.

I am glad you are accepting you need a break. Enjoy the travel planning and normal life as much as you can. I hope your HcG decreases quickly so you physically as well as emotionally will begin to heal.

I'm glad you got to get a way a bit. I love the cow and the fact that you captured that moment!

Hollie said...

Hi Kelly! I think about you every day and can totally understand your need for a real break from IF. I know this might sound ungrateful, but after I found out we only had one baby, I felt kind of sad that it wasn't twins, because I am SO scared to do the IVF roller coaster all over again. I know that that is probably the only way I'll ever be pg. I was so hoping to have 2 and be done with ttc forever. If we want more children, I will be back on the IVF roller coaster in the not-too-distant future.
I still identify strongly with that part of my life, and can cry with you when I think of the pain that the last two and a half years consisted of for me. I am so scared to even get happy now, for fear of it being taken away.
There will be better days ahead. It just takes longer for some of us to get there than for others. In the mean time, you and Mr. C sound like you are planning great things- trips, renovations... enjoy life and make every day count. Because when you ARE a mother one day, you will be too busy for that for a while!!
I'll check back on your blog soon!!!!