Today is my Due Date from IVF #1

Today should be the happiest day of my life. I should be filled with the excitement and anticipation of meeting my baby today. Today I should be called mother. Instead, I am empty.

Sono Today

I had my sonohystogram this morning. I was dreading it, but I didn't cramp nearly as much this time. I guess the 3rd times a charm. Let's hope that logic holds up for IVF transfers, too! Our RPL panel results have not come back yet, so hopefully in the next couple of weeks we'll hear some answers. We turned in our FET consent form today, so I guess there's no turning back!

I finish my BCPs next week and begin Estrace. Anybody taken that before? Any funky side effects? Then I have one ultrasound, begin progesterone, then the transfer on January 16th. The good news is that I don't have to do PIO shots! Woohoo! It's all suppositories. Messy, but I'll take them over IM shots any day!

FET Update and Boston

First an update on the FET. I have finished my doxycyline and have one week left to go on my BCPs. It's funny, my RE calls them OCPs (ovulation control pills) instead of birth control pills. Pretty smart on their part! My tentative transfer will be January 16th...a month from today!!

Mr. C. and I just got back from Massachusetts. We go every year for the Christmas party of one of his clients on Cape Cod. We decided to spend some time in Boston this year, which we've never done before. I LOVE BOSTON! We stayed at an amazing place called the Liberty Hotel (http://www.libertyhotel.com/). It's a jail that has been converted into an amazing hotel. Check out the link...it's so cool! We ate wonderful food and saw as much of the city as possible in the short time we were there. Here are some photos of our trip:

Outside of the jail/Liberty Hotel

In the lobby of the Liberty Hotel

Beside some of the old "cells" inside the hotel.

The Christmas tree at Faneuil Hall.

The Red Room restaurant at Harvard Square

Overlooking the lobby at our hotel

We love Christian from Pro.ject Run.way!

I know I've said it before, but Mr. C. and I LOVE Pro.ject Run.way. Imagine our delight when Christian (winner of Season 4) decided to come to our town and have a runway show of his spring collection! We immediately bought tickets and got excited to see the "Fierce One" himself. He is selling his collection in a store nearby and the owners hosted his show. I felt like we were in NYC! Lots of glamorous models, gorgeous clothes, and champagne flowing - not the usual scene for homebodies like us! Christian himself was so nice, patient, and gracious to all his fans. We were thrilled to meet him and be able to rub elbows with such a cool guy.
PS...He's tiny! I'm 5'1" tall, and you can see that he's only got an inch or so on me!

Started meds for FET!!!

Big news here at the Yellow Room. After a ttc break, we went to the RE yesterday just for a consultation. Our usual RE left in August to take a job in Atlanta, so we went to meet our new doctor (in the same practice) and see what his recommendations were. He was so nice and started by giving us a pep-talk and telling us that he knows we'll be successful; we just need to have patience and persistence. He said since we're young, healthy, and have good quality eggs/sperm, we have lots of things going for us that will ultimately lead to a baby.

My main questions for him were about my chemical pregnancy and my miscarriage and why they happened. I said I was interested in more tests, although I knew Mr. C. wasn't as excited about more testing since we've done so much already. The RE said he's all about compromise and would give me the moderate RPL panel of tests and not the whole panel. He'll be testing for the more common, treatable problems that could give us an answer. I had my blood drawn this morning and we should get the results in the next 2-3 weeks.

After he spoke to us about our frozen embryos and how the FET process works, we decided to just go ahead and do it! I don't have to wait for my next AF or anything, he said to start the BCPs yesterday, take them for 3 weeks, then take estrogen and progesterone for around 3 weeks, then have the transfer! Mr. C. and I did not go in expecting to start this process that very day, but we talked about it and are both ready to get this party started! I'm nervous, but excited. We are not telling ANYONE in real life, so only you blog friends get to know our secret!

BTW, we have 2 frozen embies - one 4AA and one 4AB...great quality! If both survive the freeze, he gives us a 40% chance of pregnancy. Not great, but we'll take it!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanks to Kahla over at http://outofbedforthis.blogspot.com/ for this sweet award! She has suffered a difficult loss recently but still manages to think about and check on her blog friends in the midst of her own heartache. I will attempt to complete the one-word meme that accompanies the award:

1. Where is your cell phone? pocketbook

2. Where is your significant other? home

3. Your hair color? highlighted

4. Your mother? friend

5. Your father? storyteller

6. Your favorite thing? shopping

7. Your dream last night? sad

8. Your dream/goal? baby

9. The room you’re in? office

10. Your hobby? acting

11. Your fear? lonliness

12. Where do you want to be in six years? mother

13. Where were you last night? bed

14. What you’re not? pretentious

15. One of your wish list items? baby

16. Where you grew up? Boone

17. The last thing you did? shower

18. What are you wearing? jeans

19. Your T.V.? off

20. Your pet? spoiled

21. Your computer? lifeline

22. Your mood? blah

23. Missing someone? daily

24. Your car? Volvo

25. Something you’re not wearing? socks

26. Favorite store? Loft

27. Your summer? hot

28. Love someone? always

29. Your favorite color? yellow

30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday

31. Last time you cried? yesterday

I'd like to pass this award on to two other wonderful blog friends who have has recent losses of their own and who have given me such comfort and friendship even though we've never met!

Chelle at http://nutchell.blogspot.com/ and

Holly at http://hollie-prayingforbaby.blogspot.com/

Happy Thanksgiving - I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday!

Happy Halloween!

I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since I've posted. I've almost forgotten how to do it! I really don't have much to say on the IF front, but I did have a fun evening last night carving pumpkins with my friend Tina. Here are some photos!

Tuesday=Awsome TV!

It's Fringe night. Every Tuesday I get more excited the closer it gets to 9:00pm. Why, you ask? FRINGE! It's the new sci-fi show on Fox. But tonight is even more special. One of my favorite shows premieres it's new season tonight - Eli Stone. I LOVE this show. Mainly because it reminds me of my all-time favorite tv show ever...Ally McBeal. I was a faithful viewer for all of it's seasons, and cried as I watched the finale. Eli Stone is so similar...great guest stars, showstopping song and dance numbers, crazy hallucinations, lawyers.... gotta love it!

Bronchitis and Project R.way

I finally went to the doctor today and I have bronchitis. :( I started a Z-Pack and will hopefully be on the mend soon. In other news, I recently discovered Facebook! I can't believe I didn't join sooner! What a great way to catch up with and keep in touch with people. I'm not putting anything on my profile about ttc, though. People IRL don't read this blog. Many of them do know about our struggles, but only the ones we choose to tell. Facebook would make it a little too public. It's been a good distraction during my sick days.

Mr. C. and I LOVE Project R.way. Last night we were so sad to see Jerrell go and Kenley make it into the top 3. Although I must admit, I adored Kenley's bridesmaid dress. They are all very talented designers... I just feel like Kenley's attitude is no good. I predict LeeAnn to be the winnner. Tim Gunn was so precious last night when he came into the work room and started crying, saying how much he cared about each of the designers. He is such a sweetie! Can't WAIT to see what happens next week!

Busy Weekend...Now I'm Sick

Mr. C. had a great time this past weekend! First, we went to see the movie "Blindness" on Friday night. It's based on the Nobel Prize winning novel by Jose Saramago. I've read the book which was graphic, horrifying at times, and gripping. It's a commentary on society and how it completely breaks down in the face of an epidemic of blindness. Anyway, the book was good, but I can't say the same about the movie. It didn't really translate onscreen and didn't capture all that the book did. It is definitely not a feel-good movie!

On Saturday, we went to see Michael Buble in concert. He is quite an entertainer! He performed in a large collesium and it was packed! His songs and voice remind me of a modern Frank Sinatra. On the way to the concert, we stopped by the Homecoming celebration at my college. It was fun to walk around campus and see all the changes and the things that will never change. I went to a small liberal arts school that I absolutely LOVED.

We also went to a special Mass this weekend. We aren't Catholic, but I have several friends that are, and one of them sent me an email about this service. It was for the remembrance of lost children. People who had lost a child through miscarriage, complications of pregnancy, stillbirth, etc. were invited to attend. It was a beautiful service with amazing music and touching words. About 10 minutes into the service, we got a text from our friends saying they had just had a baby boy. Wow, I lost it at that point and I cried and cried. Happy for them, sad for us.

Yesterday I woke up feeling awful. Sore throat, headache, body aches, etc. Yuck. I'm feeling better today, though. This reminds me that I need to go get a flu shot asap! Going to go back to sleep now...

Our Sunroom

Last week we had our sunroom painted. All that is white used to be stained wood. It was quite a project and took four coats of paint! This weekend we were able to move all our furniture back and settle in. Mr. C. and I painted our cute little end tables, the white coffee table at the end of the room, and the white chair beside it. We also painted the blades of our ceiling fan white (they were dark brown) and it turned out so well! The room now has a beachy, cottagey feel.

In other news, my last pregnancy test came out negative!!!!! After 5 weeks, the HCG has finally gone away. I never thought I would be so happy to see one line on a test! Now I can enjoy feeling normal again. (Physically, at least.)

Saturday we went to our friends' house for dinner. She is 39 weeks pregnant and we haven't seen them since she's been pregnant. (They were the ones I found out about the same day I lost the first pregnancy.) Anyway, I was terrified of seeing them...but we had a great time! I am so happy for them, but it's difficult because of those m/c memories and because they got pregnant on their first month off birth control. I sucked it up and tried to put my own jealousy and pain behind me. I was proud of myself!

It Was A Boy

We got our D&C results back today. It was a chromosomally normal little boy. I don't know why we lost him.

2 Pink Lines

Okay, for all the many, many months that all I wanted to see were two pink lines after POAS, now I just want to see one!!!!!! I am STILL getting a positive on HPTs. My OB told me to take one once a week until I got a negative. Yesterday marked 4 weeks since my D&C and I still have HCG in my system. The lines are getting a bit lighter, so that is good. The dr. said it can take up to 4 weeks to disapate, so I will call him Monday to see if I need another beta to find out the actual number. It really stinks to not be pregnant but to still have all the symptoms thanks to HCG. I can't WAIT for it to be gone!!!!!

"Shattered" by Of A Revolution

This song is being played constantly on all the radio stations around here (probably because O.A.R. has 2 concerts nearby this weekend) and I am loving it. These lyrics really speak to me:

How many times can I break till I shatter?
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking.
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting.

Sounds like infertility to me! I've been watching the infertility specials on the Today Show this week. Interesting. They also have a cool page on their website of photos/stories of people who have struggled to get pregnant.

We saw a good movie last weekend that deals a lot with IF. It's called Then She Found Me. I had no idea when I rented it...I got it because of the actors - dreamboat Collin Firth (one of my favorite actors ever), funny lady Bette Middler, and the aging Helen Hunt. I think it does a good job of portraying some of the feelings regarding IF, adoption, and IUI (which the main character does one round of). Check it out!

P.S. - How do you like my new background?!

The Yellow Room - Empty No More!

Since it is WAY too depressing to see our yellow room sitting empty, we've decided to make it into a guest room! We are in love with Maine Cottage (http://www.mainecottage.com/) and would outfit our whole house in their furniture if we could. Anyway, we are going to outfit the yellow room with their gorgeous designs. Here are some of the things we've bought. (The bed and bureau will be white, but I'm showing them in yellow because it's easier to see.) Our shipment won't be here until the end of October or beginning of November, but we can't wait!

Cow Picnic

After my surgery, Mr. C and I went to the mountains of WV where my parents have a summer house. It's a wonderfully relaxing and beautiful place. One night we went for a picnic and had an unexpected visitor. Here we are with my mom, toasting our new friend!

I'm Alive

I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. I just haven't had anything to say. I appreciate all your kind comments so much. Those virtual hugs have been great! I'm probably not in the best state of mind right now, but I am trying to take it day by day and do the best I can.

I cry every day...not necessarily because of the lost pregnancy, but maybe because I feel a bit lost myself. I've been SO focused on getting pregnant for the last 40 months and now I have absolutely no interest in getting pregnant whatsoever. I'm sure I will again, but for right now, it's the last thing I want to think about. I don't want to think about doctor appointments, IVF, bad news, or my screwed up body. We've got 2 embryos in the freezer, but it's going to be a LONG time before they're thawed out. Maybe next year some time.

I feel like I've been in some kind of void for the past 3+ years and now I'll never get that time back. I guess I've learned that I can't let life pass me by while I'm waiting for something that has no guarantees. I can NOT let IF rule my life. I'm trying to live now like IF isn't an issue. We're planning trips and house renovations on our time, not based on doctor appointments, shots, and ultrasounds. I'm loving the fact that I get my body back for awhile. No diet restrictions, needles, drugs, or poking and prodding.

Unfortunately my body is still weirded out because I've still got a good bit of hcg in my system. In addition, I have a very strange pain on and off that feels like someone is stabbing me in the chest through to my back. After a 5 hour trip to the ER on Sunday that included bloodwork, and EKG, chest xrays, and a CT scan, we know it's not my heart or a pulmonary embolism. I'm going to the OB for my post surgery appointment today and I'm hoping he can help me get to the bottom of this pain. It dibilitating and very scary.

Sorry that my first post in awhile is such a downer. I am okay, though, and I'll get through this. There are lots of things I am grateful for and I still have hope. It's nice to have you virtual friends for support and understanding.

Post D&C

Well, it's over. We just got home from the hospital. Everything went well and I am sitting here eating some soup on the couch. I am still sort of woozy from the anesthesia, and a tiny bit crampy, but other than that, I am feeling pretty good. I'm bleeding quite a bit, but apparently that is normal. I'm just going to sleep, read, and watch tv for the rest of the day and take it easy. Thanks for the words of encouragement!

Change of Plans

Everything happened so fast yesterday - all of a sudden I was talking to my RE and the IVF coordinator and my OB and the OB nurse trying to find answers to why my hcg is so high and we can't see anything. I guess they all got freaked out thinking that something could be wrong, like a molar pregnancy or something, and my RE decided that I needed a D&C asap. So. I'm leaving in 5 minutes for my D&C at the hospital. To say I'm terrified is an understatement. But, at this point I'm terrified of having it pass naturally, too, so at least this way it will be over and done with. Surgery just scares me. Everyone reassures me that this is an easy procedure with minimal pain and a fast recovery time. I hope they're right! My regular OB is doing the procedure, so we don't have to travel 2 hours to the RE's office. That's a nice change. I'll update when I can about how it goes. Wish me luck!

Hcg Level

I just got a call from my RE's nurse with my beta from yesterday (what should have been 7w5d). It is over 20,000 still! I thought it would be SO much lower. So, it seems I have a ways to go before my body decides I'm not pregnant. We'll check the level next week to see if it is going down appropriately.

Update

Yesterday we went back to the doctor for another ultrasound (no change from last week) and to discuss my options. The RE gave me 3 options: 1. Expectant therapy, which means we wait for a natural miscarriage to occur. 2. A D&C, which is surgery to dilate and vacuum out the uterus. 3. A shot that causes cramping and expells what is in the uterus. None of these sound particulary appealing, but I had already decided that I wanted to wait and have it happen naturally. My body has been through enough lately and there is no way I want to have surgery or another injection that has yucky side effects. We are monitoring my hcg levels weekly and hopefully when they get back down to zero, my body will realize it's not pregnant and take care of things naturally. If that doesn't happen, then we'll revisit the D&C option.

I guess I am still in shock. I am not crying as much or nearly as upset as I was after our 1st IVF. I am just very, very bitter. I don't want to try again for a long time. I'm not giving up, but I need a break. Mentally and physically. I need to step away from all this crap and feel like a normal person for a little while. We'll use our frozen embryos eventually, but definitely not in 2008. Again, thank you to all of you for your kind words and support. It means so much to me and really gives me strength.

Thank You

Thank you so much to all of you for your kind words. It means so much to me that you all are out there thinking of us and praying for us, even though I don't even know you. I will update you on Monday after my appointment. Please keep those prayers coming - I really need them.

7 week ultrasound

Today my worst nightmare came true. There was no fetal pole, no yolk sac, and no heartbeat. Just an empty gestational sac. The pregnancy is over. It's called a missed miscarriage. I've had no bleeding or symptoms that things were going wrong. I go back on Monday to discuss the D&C.

My cute new maternity shirt

I found this super cute maternity t-shirt today at our neighborhood shops' sidewalk sale. It's a fortune cookie shirt that was 75% off so I got it for $6.99! I'll be able to wear it when I am showing and obviously pregnant. I think it's so fun! :)

6 Weeks!

6 weeks today! I've really been bloated the last few days...like unbuttoning the pants bloated. A friend of ours came over tonight and said that I definitely look pregnant! I haven't developed any new symptoms and luckily the morning sickness hasn't hit yet (thank you, Lord!). Maybe I'll be one of the lucky 20% that doesn't get it!

Next week is our ultrasound and I can't wait! I think once we actually see the baby and the heartbeat, I'll finally believe it's real. Right now, it's hard to believe that there is actually something growing inside me. I can't wait until I can feel the baby kicking and know that everything is okay. I know I have a long way to go until then and I'm trying to be relaxed and have faith that everything is going the way it's supposed to inside me.

Literary Meme

I've seen lots of these on other blogs and decided to do it myself. Mainly because I LOVE to read. I LIVE to read. My baby is going to be reading when he/she comes out of the womb. Feel free to comment on any of your favorites! Happy reading!


Here's how it works:

1) Look at the list and bold/italicize those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline (or mark in a different color) the books you LOVE - mine are in red.

The premise of this exercise is that the National Endowment for the Arts apparently believes that the average American has only read 6 books from the list below.



1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

6 The Bible (I've read parts...does that count?)

7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller - (I DESPISE this book!)

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare

15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks

18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens

24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

34 Emma - Jane Austen

35 Persuasion - Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis

37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres

39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving

45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel

52 Dune - Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens -- Another all-time fave. Sydney Carton is my hero.

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72 Dracula - Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath

77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal - Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert (I wrote my AP English essay on this!)

86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Beta #3

Wow - the last beta is in and I feel like we've reached another milestone. It was 1228! That's a doubling time of 47.72 hours, so we are exactly on target! Now we just hang out and wait until my first o.b. scan on August 13th. That's a week and a half away but seems like years!

Yesterday I had an ultrasound but it was too soon to see anything. I had a bit of a scare because I started having bad chest and upper back pains yesterday morning. I couldn't tell if it was my chest hurting and radiating to my back or vice versa. Anyway, I called the RE because
chest pain = scary in my book. She wanted me to come in right away to see if I had any fluid or bleeding in my abdomen or lungs. She did an ultrasound to make sure everything was clear, which it was. She focused on my ovaries and basically just breezed past my uterus and said it's way too soon to see anything. I knew it was too soon, but I was still hoping she'd check it out and we could see a black hole or little dot or something. Oh, well.

So we never did figure out what was causing the chest pains...she said it could be a million things. Since it is gone today and I feel fine, I'm assuming it was not pregnancy/gynologicallly related and was either serious indigestion or something. I'm still gratefully for every day I wake up pregnant!

5 Weeks!

Um, okay. I know I look about 3 months pregnant already in these photos. Mr. C. kept asking me if I was pushing my stomach out. Sadly enough, I was sucking it in. I really don't look this "round" in real life. The camera adds 10 lbs. they say. That's gonna be my excuse.

I went to acupuncture today for the first time since my ET. It was exciting to tell my acupuncturist (or "Hole Puncher" as Mr. C. calls him) about my pregnancy. I thanked him for helping me get this way! I guess it's a little weird that several men helped me get pregnant. Only us IF girls can claim that! I will continue going once a week during the first trimester. He uses points that help increase blood flow and retain the pregnancy.

This Proves 3 Things

1. I am obsessive....why am I still peeing on a stick?

2. I'm still pregnant....the pregnant line is MUCH darker than the control line! Heehee!

3. Mr. C. is a dork...after I showed this pee stick to him he wrote "sex 2 nite" on the key next to the picture of 2 lines and "no sex" next to the picture of one line. What a goober. Mr. C., you know you have to wait at least 2 more weeks. Hands off!!!

I'm Pregnant

I just had to say it. It sounds so cool! Everything is about the same...I'm exhausted and my boobs hurt like crazy. The veins on my chest look like a roadmap! I'm definitely more emotional...random things make me mad or make me cry. I can't believe I have to wait until Friday for my next doctor's visit! Every day when I wake up I thank God for another day of being pregnant. Every time I go to the bathroom and there is no sign of spotting, I say a prayer of thanks! I'm trying to take this one day at a time and be happy for that day. That's not to say that I'm not EXTREMELY terrified. I keep waiting for something bad to happen. I almost can't believe that things are actually okay so far. I guess after going through all that we've been through, it's more difficult to accept that things might really work out!

My friend (the one with the new baby) came over yesterday for her first outing with the baby. She brought me a bunch of pregnancy books and magazines. It's so fun to read them and dream about what I will look like in just a few months. Wanna see what my baby looks like right now? Check it out:

My pee was right! (Beta #2)

It's 107!!!!! We are SO excited and happy! It way more than doubled, so that is fantastic news. When the nurse called, she was like, "Are you sitting down...." and I hoped that meant it was a happy thing. I just came home from work because there's no way I can concentrate and think right now. Thanks SO much for all the wonderful words of support you all have given me. It means so much that people I don't even know are interested in my story. Hopefully things will continue to go well...we don't go back for more bloodwork until next Friday. I'll keep you posted!

My pee says I'm pregnant

I'm feeling good and hopeful, thanks to all of you, great stories I've heard on The Nest "Success After IF" bulletin board, and the encouragement of my friends and family. Based on today's pee sticks, I'm thinking it'll be great news tomorrow!

Beta

It's 41. Not what we were hoping for, to say the least. The doctor wants it to be at least 50 by today. The nurse said that she's seen plenty of numbers like this turn into a healthy pregnancy, but we've heard that before. I'm extremely upset, but I guess we'll just wait till Friday and see what happens.

Beta in 12 hours!!!

Oh, I am so nervous. I'm confident that it will be positive, but I'm so scared of repeating last time. I feel like total crap and I think that's a great sign! I really feel nasty. Here are my symptoms as of today:

-completely, totally, mind-bogglingly exhausted (came home from work at lunch and just got up)
-back-achey
-a little crampy on and off
-bbs sensitive with funky bumps around nipples
-Mr. C says, "You look different....fuller." Hmmmm.
-last night we went out to eat Italian and I felt icky/nauseous all night

So, all these could be something, or they could be the progesterone. They keep getting progressively more intense, though, so I think that is good. Hopefully by lunchtime tomorrow I'll have news to share. Thank you so much to all of you for all your well wishes. It means so much to me!

7dp5dt

Well, there's really nothing to report at this point! I'm having some symptoms that could definitely be good signs, but I. am. not. going. to. poas.!!!! I have to keep telling myself that over and over! I really want to, but Mr. C. and I talked about it and decided to wait until the beta (which is on Wednesday at 8:15, btw). It's only the day after tomorrow, so I think I can reign in my poas compulsions until then. But then I think, "I could have an answer after a short run to CVS!" Not going to do it.

Here's what happened during our last IVF cycle. Two days before my beta, I poas and it was positive - we were surprised and ecstatic! Same for the day before the beta. Then that night, I started spotting. I freaked out and cried and cried, but the nurse said not to worry...spotting was normal! My beta came back at 21. Pretty low, but the nurse said that there was hope, we just needed it to double in 2 days. So I go back 2 days later and it doubled exactly - 42! We we over the moon, we cried, we called my parents, I bought a pregnancy book. During all this, I was still spotting, but the nurse still said that it was fine, totally normal, etc., unless it turned red or was an AF-like flow. My 2nd beta was on a Thursday, and since it doubled, they didn't want to do another one until the following Tuesday. So...fast forward to Monday. The spotting turned bright red. The spotting became an AF-like flow. I called and demanded a beta a day early. It was 20. It was over. I got home where I immediately found out upon walking in the door that our good friends, the couple who didn't want to have children for 5 more years, had emailed to say they were 14 weeks pregnant. It was one of the worst days of my life. As much as I'd like to forget it, that day will haunt me, probably for the rest of my life.

After that amazing rollercoaster that lifted and dropped us to and from amazing heights, I do not ever want to repeat it. On Wednesday, I want a positive or negative. If the number is 50 or above, I'll breathe a sigh of relief. If it's over 100, I'll be ecstatic! Of course, then we have to worry about it doubling. But, I have hung my hopes on the number we'll get Wednesday. I've imagined a hundred times what that phone call will be like. I've prayed over and over every day that Wednesday will be a good day. Please, please, let it be.

Update

The nurse finally called me and I told her about my situation. She said she's only heard of that happening once, but she said not to worry about it. She said it's all the increased blood flow and hormones and poking and prodding that's probably causing it. The bottom line is, everything is fine and I shouldn't worry.

The Big "O"

Okay, this is weird and embarrassing, but I'm just going to throw it out there! Last night I woke up multiple times in the middle of a spontaneous orgasm. Like 4 or 5 times during the night! Not only was it uncomfortable each time (very crampy and tight feeling), I'm TERRIFIED it has somehow harmed my embryos, caused them to un-implant (don't know if that's a real term), or had some other bad effect since I'm only 4 days past transfer. I've called my RE, but as usual, they will take hours to call back. This never happens to me (sleeping OR awake, haha) so it's just weird. Especially having like 4 or 5 orgasms in one night...WTF? I can't WAIT to hear from the doctor's office. I hope they can offer me some reassurance.

3dp5dt

Well, there's not much to report! I'm feeling good and am glad to be out of the bed and in the land of living. I decided not to go to work today and maybe go into the office tomorrow for a little while. It is SO nice to have a flexible schedule! I went out to get a magazine and a F.rosty a little while ago and it was fun!

I'm feeling crampy off and on (I'll take that as a good sign!) and my bb's are a little sore. Mainly I'm just SO tired! Mr. C is like, "How can you be tired after sitting around and napping all day?" But I am! I'm taking 3 P.rometrium suppositories each day and tomorrow will start 2 estrogen patches every other day. Will keep you posted on any other happenings!

2 Totsicles!

We just got the word that two of our embies made it to freeze! Yipee! We so so thrilled with that news. I'm chillin' out in bed, reading and computering, and talking on the phone. I'm feeling good but pretty crampy. I'll take that as a good sign, though!

Transfer Complete!

What a wonderful day! We got to the RE's office around 2:30. I was SO nervous to find out if we still had embies, what they looked like, what their quality was, etc. I kept asking Mr. C, "Do you think they would have called us if none of our embryos made it?" So, as soon as the dr. walked into the conference room I was like, "How many do we have?!" Turns out we had 2 beautiful, perfect, grade A blastocysts ready to come home to my uterus! He showed us photos and pointed out the how the cells had already differentiated - some were cells that will become the placenta and some cells were going to become the baby! It was so neat and I choked up just looking at them.

So then Mr. C and I got into our biohazard-looking outfits and went into the transfer room. The acupuncturist came in and put in all the needles and I listened to my i.Pod for 20 minutes. I kept crying, just thinking about how far we've come and how sure I am that this time is going to work. In my head, I was thanking God, thanking my body, thanking the scientists, Mr. C.; everyone. Then the team came in to do the actual transfer. One day I'll be telling my child(ren), "There were 7 people in the room when I got pregnant with you!" It was fast and painless. Then the acupuncturist came back in and we did 20 more minutes of acupuncture. She said that mine was the easiest, smoothest transfer she'd ever seen. Wow! Then it was time to go! I slept for most of the 2 hour ride back home.

So we've got 4 more embryos at morula stage. If they reach blastocyst stage by tomorrow then they will get frozen. The embryologist will call tomorrow or Wednesday to let us know. I'd love it if even one makes it that far!

So, now I'm up in our room, propped up in bed, feeling good, hopeful, emotional, and tired! It's been a great day and I'm so thankful that everything went so well today.

"No sex until confirmed pregnancy."

This is what my RE's written instructions say. Ummmm, what if my beta is negative? Hahahaha!

Day 5 Transfer!!!

The embryologist called at 7am this morning to say that we have five 8-celled embryos that look great. SO, we are going to do the transfer on Monday! Yay! I am so happy about this for many reasons, but mainly because it gives me a couple more days to get my ovaries back into shape! I've always been a little leary of taking a lot of pain meds, but I discovered that taking a whole o.xycodone instead of a half works wonders! No more conservative medicine taking for me!

PAIN

Please say a prayer for me. I have been in extreme pain since last night. I talked to the dr. and she doesn't think it is ohss but rather my severely swollen ovaries pressing on my diaphram. It hurts to move at all. I have been taking pain pills and it helps a little, but I feel like I can't breathe. It's scary and is wearing me down. Please pray that this will pass.

I will find out tomorrow at 7am if the transfer will be tomorrow or Monday. I'm hoping for Monday, if nothing else but to give me a couple more days to heal.

Fertilization Report

The embriologist just called with our report - we have 9 embryos! 14 of the eggs they got yesterday were mature. They ICSIed 7 and didn't ICSI 7. Of the natural group, 5 fertilized and of the ICSI group, 4 fertilized. We are very happy with these numbers and Mr. C is thrilled that his "little guys" worked!

Last time, we also had 9 on the first day after retrieval but only had 3 by day 3. Let's hope all 9 of these little embabies keep on going! We'd LOVE to have some to freeze. That would be our dream! Grow, embies, grow!!!

By the way, I'm feeling good so far and just having the normal post-retrieval discomfort. I don't want to jinx anything, but YAY!

Also, do I have a wonderful husband, or what? His comment on my post yesterday was amazing. It made me cry. He's a good nurse and keeps the G.atorade coming! I love you, Mr. C!

Back From ER

I'm back but very woozy, so this will be short. 22 eggs!!!! Can't wait to hear the fertilization report tomorrow. Yay! Going to sleep now.

Thank You

Thank you so much to everyone who has left me such nice comments. It's so reassuring to know that there are people out there who are thinking of me and keeping me in their prayers. We are leaving for the ER tomorrow about 7:45am. (We live about 2 hours from the clinic.) I've got a nice bed set up for myself in the back of Mr. C's car and a lunch packed to eat on the way home. I'm such an organizer! I'm still feeling quite nervous, but I slept all day and am feeling rested and calmer than I was yesterday. I went to acupuncture today and he used points for calmness and for preventing ohss. He said he's only used the ohss points a few times, but they've always worked! That sounded good to me, so I'll be back on Thursday for the same treatment. If I'm not too doped up tomorrow, I'll post an update on how many eggs they retrieved. Thanks for hanging in there with me and I'll keep you posted!

Triggering Tonight

Thank you to everyone who has offered me encouragement and kind words. It means the world to me!!! I'm triggering tonight and will have the retrieval at 10:15 Wednesday morning. () I had freakout #2 when the nurse called a little while ago and said my E2 was >5000! (5315 to be exact). I asked if I could talk to my RE for a little reassurance and she called me back right away. She said that they are going to do everything they can to keep me from over stimulating. I'm supposed to start the OHSS diet now...lots of salt, protein, and g.atorade. They will be giving me something called H.etastarch in my IV on Wednesday. It's a protein liquid that supposedly helps with OHSS. And my trigger tonight will be only 75% of the normal trigger amount to keep my E2 from getting much higher. As is, she says it will probably be around 7000 on the day of retrieval. Yowza! It was nice to talk to the actual DOCTOR and it sounds like she's got my back. Even though I am still scared, I haven't come this far to give up now. I've put too much time, energy, and money (!) into this and I'm going to see it through. I trigger tonight at 11:15pm and there's no turning back!!!

FREAK OUT!

Okay, last night I had a total breakdown. All the stress of this IVF thing is getting to me. I am irrationally terrified of getting OHSS. Because I had a mild case last time and because my levels are higher this time, I am just really worried about it. We're talking waking up with panic attacks worried. Sobbing uncontrollably worried. I feel like I'm going crazy! I know the hormones have me out of whack, but this is ridiculous. I know that I need to relax and go with it, but I'm struggling. Of course I am going ahead with the trigger tonight, but I wish I could be confident in the fact that everything will be alright. I know it will be. AHHHHHH!

Today's Update

I FINALLY heard from my IVF Coordinator about this morning's monitoring appointment. I was freaking out b/c the tech this morning said that I may be ready to trigger tonight and I was getting SO nervous! It looks like the trigger will be tomorrow because I have some follies that are almost big enough, but not quite. I've already got several at 20, 19 and 18mms but there are a lot more that need one more day to catch up to those. My E2 level is 3300 and I'm staying at 225 IUs of F.ollistim tonight. I AM SO SCARED OF OHSS. My E2 level is higher and I've got more follicles cookin' than I did last time and so I'm afraid OHSS is going to come back to visit. It's the most uncool thing ever and I've got to find a way to get over this terror that I'm going to have it again. Any ideas?

Oops, I forgot to mention a little detail...MY LINING IS AT 9.4 ALREADY!!!! YIPEE!

Happy 4th! (And an update.)

Happy Independence Day! We are celebrating by going to 2 cookouts. Well, we're going to one and having one at our house. Should be fun.

IVF Update: I went for a monitoring visit this morning and my coordinator just called. The best news is that my lining is at 8.6!!!!! This excites me b/c last IVF, my lining was 8.9 on the day of the transfer. I'm about a week out from my transfer so I know it will only get thicker! (I have extremely light AFs, so I've always worried that my lining isn't thick enough.) My RE said that 8.9 was a fine level last time, but I've read that some clinics won't even transfer if your lining is less than 9. So, woo hoo! My estrogen is 1149, which is a big increase from a couple days ago when it was 179. I actually have to lessen my F.ollistim dose tonight. I have about 15 follies that are large and several smaller ones that may or may not catch up. I go back on Sunday and hopefully they'll tell me to trigger on Monday. Yay!

Anniversary Weekend

Mr. C and I had a wonderful anniversary trip last weekend to Middleton Place Plantation outside of Charleston, SC. It is a gorgeous plantation on the Ashley River and has an inn on the property. We spent our time swimming, kayaking (we saw 10 alligators!), exploring the plantation, and reading in the hammocks. It was a perfect getaway and I was SO sad to come back home.

The terraced gardens at the plantation:

Our anniversary dinner:

The Inn:

Views around the plantation:

**IVF Update**

There has been so much other "stuff" going on that I haven't posted an update lately! Here's where we are:

June 26 - Suppression check. All is sufficiently suppressed (whatever that means). 9 follies on each side. (Which is coincidentally exactly where I started last IVF and we ended up with 21 eggs, of which 17 fertilized and only 3 embryos were viable by day 3....we're hoping for better quality this time.)

June 28 - Started 250 IUs of F.ollistim. Started 10 IUs of HcG. Started a killer headache. Continuing 10 IUs of Lupron daily.

July 1 - First bloodwork while on stimms....E2 at 179. The nurse said this was "perfect"! Continuing on with meds at same levels. Back for bloodwork/ultrasound on July 4.

Baby Time!

My friend had her baby! (This is the friend we had a baby shower for a few weeks ago.) She had the baby yesterday. It is a boy named Landon. He is beautiful. We visited her in the hospital today and got to hold him. He is perfect and tiny and smells good. This is a terrible photo of us, but as you've probably noticed, I love to document with pictures! (Notice Mr. C's self proclaimed "fake smile" and my "I'm doped up on fertility drugs" expression.)

Our 5th Anniversary!

Today is a milestone - 5 years of marriage! That seems like a long time and at the same time seems so short. We have been through A LOT in the last 5 years and it has made us stronger. We got married at the beautiful garden at Richmond Hill Inn in Asheville, NC. We are going to Charleston today to stay at Middleton Place Plantation for the weekend. (I hope they have a fridge in the room to store all my meds!) Here are some photos from 5 years ago today. We look so much younger!

Happy Birthday to Mr. C!

Today is my sweet husband's birthday. He's 33! Such an old man. We went out to this amazing Thai bistro down the street. Yum! We had fried bananas for dessert. I also had birthday cake at home but as soon as we got here, Mr. C. went to lie down and rest his eyes and now he's fast asleep! He's missing our favorite show (So You Think You Can Dance, of course!) so I KNOW he's tired!

L.upron - BCPs = Yuck

So I haven't posted lately because I've been SO down in the dumps. We're talking daily sob fests. I don't remember it being this awful last time! I'm still only on L.upron! Why do I feel like I belong in a psych ward? I finally broke down and called my ivf coordinator to ask her what the deal was. She made me feel SO much better! She said that since I didn't take bcps this time, I don't have enough estrogen to balance out my emotions. She said it is totally normal to feel really down and that as soon as I start F.ollistim, it will be better. Well, at least I'm not losing it!

I also went this morning for my suppression check bloodwork and ultrasound. Everything looks quiet and good and I'm ready to start stimming. Yay! The nurse asked how I was feeling about this cycle and if it was easier having been through it before and knowing what to expect this time. I feel very hopefully about this time, but going through it before doesn't neccessarily make it better. It makes it worse in many ways. It's nice to know what to expect as far as the shots and monitoring go, but it's scary to know about how bad my body will feel at times, that I might get O.HSS again, how terrifying the emotions can get, etc. I guess I just can't focus on the scary parts. I know that I have done this before and I did get through it. I faced a worst-case scenario and I lived to tell the tale. This time can only be better, right? (PLEASE say right!!!)

I'm excited and hopefully and ready to get this party started!

BLOB

Yesterday I was telling a lady I work with that I have a blog. She referred to it twice more in our conversation and each time she called it a "BLOB"!!!!! I was biting the inside of my cheeks to keep from laughing. It was SO funny!

10 Things No One Tells You About IVF

10. The process of IVF is a roller coaster with more scream-worthy ups and downs than you ever thought possible!

9. You will look like a druggie with all the bruises and pokes you will aquire (on your upper arms, crook of your arms, stomach, etc.)!

8. You actually get used to daily visits with the dildocam.

7. You really CAN give yourself multiple shots without fainting.

6. OHSS is real and it's uncool.

5. The 2ww must be what hell is actually like.

4. A positive beta must be what heaven is actually like.

3. You can love something that only consists of 8 cells.

2. You are a stronger person that you thought you were.

1. Hope is NOT a 4 letter word.

The Hostess With the Mostest

Well, I accomplished something this weekend that I never thought I would be able to do. My husband and I hosted a baby shower at our house!!! When my husband first brought up that we have a shower for one of my best friends, I lost it and got so angry at him for not understanding how hard that would be for me. I told him that I wasn't even going to attend her baby shower, much less host one! Not that I didn't love her or wish her well, I just knew I couldn't handle it emotionally. Then a couple of months later, my mom suggested we host the shower. Again, I totally lost it and was crying and freaking out and was so angry at everyone for having no clue what it felt like to be me. But then I started thinking.

This is one of my closest friends and she deserves a party! It was time for me to put my feelings on the back burner and be a good friend. This girl is someone who called me every single day during my IVF cycle, starting with the day I began F.ollistem and going all the way through the 2ww. She called to check on me every day! She hosted a wedding shower for me when she wasn't yet married and I knew she wanted to be more than anything. Unfortunately, we've been trying to get pregnant since before she even started dating her husband (!) and that always gets to me.

Anyway, I decided to put all my feelings aside and do this thing! It was a cookout for couples at our house. I decided to look at it more as a big dinner party and less like a baby shower. It was a book shower, so everyone brought their favorite children's book. I made homemade bookmarks for favors and a book for the guests to write their advice in. It turned out to be a huge success and I actually had FUN! We didn't play any dumb shower games and since the gifts were books, we weren't overrun with lots of baby garb in our living room. I think that made it easier to deal with. Some other friends brought their 8 week old and I was okay with that, too.

I'm proud of myself. I'm so happy I did this for my friend. I'm so glad she's my friend. Yay!

Holding a friend's baby...

The bookmark favors and advice book I made:

Shooting Up Starts Today!

Well, today is the day that I feel like we officially jump back on the roller coaster. I started my L.upron injections this morning. My husband left note by my needles that said, "Go ahead, make my day...shoot 'em up!" I can't believe it's starting again! Hopefully I won't get as many icky headaches on L.upron as I did last time. I didn't take BCPs this time, so maybe that will make a difference. I've chronicled my first injection and all my meds in these photos...beware - it's not pretty!

My Sweet Dogs

I've got the best dogs in the whole world! The Black Lab is named H.ershey (short for H.ershey K.isses because she loves to kiss!) and the brown dog's name is D.unkin (short for D.unkin D.onuts). He's a Pit Bull/ St. Bernard mix...we think. They are both the sweetest, most well behaved dogs EVER! I inherited these two when I married my husband, which was great - like getting 3 for the price of 1! He totally trained them and they obey him even when he spells commands instead of says them!

Even though I know it's not the same, seeing the attention he gives them and the way he spoils them but yet expects great behavior, makes me know that he will be a great dad. We in no way compare our dogs to children but seeing how he takes care of something that relies totally on him and loves him unconditionally is a good litmus test for fatherhood, I think. Now, as long as he doesn't whistle to call our child....!

More photos of my pups:

Box of Hope

My big 'ole box of meds for this IVF cycle came this morning. I didn't think I'd be excited to see it, but my husband said I looked like it was Christmas! I started thinking about that and thought, "Wow, I sure would be depressed if my Christmas present was a big box of needles and medicines that all had to go in MY body!" Then I thought some more and decided that this box could, in fact, hold the biggest gift I've ever received in my life - a baby. It's a box full of hope.

Beaufort, SC

Last weekend my mom and I went on a girls' weekend to Beaufort. In addition to great shopping, Beaufort is BEAUTIFUL! We took an amazing horse carriage ride and saw so many historic sites, places where movies had been filmed, and gorgeous antibellum homes. Here are some photos!

The ruins of Sheldon Church, burned during the Civil War

A church where the gravestones were used as operating tables during the Civil War

The lighthouse on Hunting Island

Looking up at all the stairs we had to climb to get to the top of the lighthouse!